On a much milder scale, I experienced this feeling of hell and loss in the months following the death of my mother and brother. In some of the darkest times, I even had the desire to just give up. I didn't think the paint that I was feeling would ever be rid from my body. This moment was a feeling of low that I had never experienced and I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. During this time, I really drifted away from the church. I didn't really see a reason to go and felt that it was totally acceptable for me to done with it because I had gone through so much. Luckily, I didn't do anything really foolish and kept to the values I grew up with, but I had lost faith. Even though I seemed like everything was okay on the outside, inside I was drifting away and losing contact with the spirit.
This type of action that I was experiencing, is something that I have seen and talked about with other friends and family members. Sometimes Satan can creep in and take over without you really noticing. The events that had occurred in my life and the terrible loss I was feeling, made it really easy for Satan to take control piece by piece. When I finally realized how far I had drifted, I felt like Alma the beginning of vs. 17 in 36:
"And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins..."
I felt the guilt of how I had totally lost faith and I even felt like there was too much to be done in order for me to turn back. But, just like the end of vs.17 and then in vs. 18, I remembered, with the help of a close friend, the gift of the atonement in my life:
"...behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death."
In those two verses, Alma experiences a turning point through his remembrance of the promise of an Atonement. With me, the Atonement reminded me of the ability to repent, but then also the ability to turn to the Lord for comfort when I am struggling. And although my process of turning back didn't happen in an instant like it did for Alma, I was able to turn back over time and experience what Alma describes in verses 20-12 :
"20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy."
Although it was difficult for me to lose my mother and brother, I know that I gained something priceless from that treacherous experience. I gained the ability to truly appreciate the power of the Atonement and the ability it has to comfort you when you struggle and forgive you when you sin. I can testify that, just like Alma, you trade in the pain you are feeling for an equal amount of joy through the power of the Atonement.
Also, I found this on google and thought it was cool and useful when you want to see the chiasmus in Alma 36!
Thanks for reading!
xoxo
Caroline
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